So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
