I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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