Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
