Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm like, not good at living.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
