but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
