Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
