i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We left the knife in your bed.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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