I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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