I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
