And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
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