Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
