Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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