my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
