If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
