It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
