THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
