I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
