Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
