I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
