Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
