when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
