All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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