I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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