i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
