Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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