MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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