Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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