i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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