i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
