When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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