if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
