her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
