I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
