if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
