Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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