I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
