well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
