I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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