i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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