Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
