If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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