My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
