and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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