Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
