By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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