If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
