Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
