Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
