I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
