My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
